


The Thing About Earthling Culture Is I Don’t Understand It

by supersonicsidekick



Category: Marvel (Comics), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Young Avengers Holiday Gift Exchange 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 03:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12999300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersonicsidekick/pseuds/supersonicsidekick
Summary: Loki, bored out of their mind, pops into Noh-Varr’s spaceship during Teddy’s Kree culture and language lesson. A conversation about humans and their collective weirdness ensues.





	The Thing About Earthling Culture Is I Don’t Understand It

**Author's Note:**

> So, this fic is for the Young Avengers Holiday Gift Exchange. In my time zone, it's the 12th, aka the first day of posting, so I'm posting. The rules of the exchange were to keep it PG-13, so I went by movie rating guidelines, meaning there is one F-bomb. But it was (mostly) essential to the story. 
> 
> My recipient was doesntafraid and their prompt was "Humans are Weird" regarding Teddy, Noh-Varr, and/or YA!Loki. I hope you like it. 
> 
> Also: This fic has major spoilers for Young Avengers Vol 2, slight spoilers Loki: Agent Of Asgard, slight spoiler for Civil War: Young Avengers and Runaways, slight spoilers for The Runaways Vol 3, slight spoilers for Noh-Varr’s Marvel Boy run, and slight spoilers for I Am An Avenger. Nothing substantial, just little references to events that happened during those runs.
> 
> So Happy Whatever Winter Holiday you celebrate. And if you don’t celebrate a Holiday, then Happy Winter.

“ ** _¥^*£  €$’_** **_€¥£^  *£¥€_**.”

 

Noh-Varr resisted the urge to bang his head on his ship's console. It had been over an hour, and Teddy was still failing to grasp the simplest Kree phrases.

 

“You keep rolling your _¥_ ’s. It’s ‘ ** _¥^*£  €’ $£¥€^ *¥¥€£_** ’ not ‘ ** _¥^*£  €$’_** **_€¥£^  *£¥€_**.’ Try again.”

 

“Right. Sorry.” Teddy paused, taking a deep breath. “ **_¥^*£  €’ $£¥€^  *£¥€_ **.”

 

“Almost. But you're still rolling-”

 

A loud crash rang through the ship. Noh-Varr was up at once, blasters in hand as he raced to find the cause of the noise. Teddy followed in suit, shifting into Hulkling.

 

In the Engine Room stood a woman, clad in green and black, small golden horns adoring her raven hair. There was no question who the intruder was.

 

“Loki?” Teddy breathed.

 

“You sound surprised.”

 

“Well, yeah. Last time I saw you, you looked like a wannabe hipster. Now you look like the incarnation of the _Goth GF_ meme.”

 

Loki smirked. “What can I say. That’s what happens when you spend time in the void.”

 

“The void?”

 

“Long story short, I'm the Goddess of Stories now. Well, sometimes.” Loki didn't elaborate any further.

 

“How does that answer my…” Teddy looked about three seconds away from punching Loki in the face. “Never mind. Why are you here?”

 

“I was bored.”

 

“Can't you go be bored somewhere else?”

 

Loki frowned. “You're not still mad about the whole _Mother_ thing, are you?”

 

Noh-Varr had never seen Teddy look so furious. “You’re kidding, right? You screwed with my relationship and almost caused my boyfriend to kill himself. Yeah, I'm still mad.”

 

Loki looked almost sheepish. “If it’s any consolation, I truly am sorry about what happened.”

 

Teddy sighed, returning to his normal form. “Just stay away from Billy. I'm not letting you screw up all the progress he’s made with his therapist.” He turned and walked away.

 

Loki turned to Noh-Varr. “So does this mean I can stay?”

 

Noh-Varr regarded Loki appraisingly.  “Come back with pizza and I’ll consider it.”

 

* * *

 

One hour and ten pizzas latter, all animosity was forgotten.

 

Teddy scoffed. “There's no way you actually wielded Thor’s hammer.”

 

Loki held her hands to her chest. “I swear I'm telling the truth. Ask Verity if you don't believe me.”

 

“Verity?” Noh-Varr questioned.

 

“She's my best friend, who can, ironically, see through all lies.”

 

Teddy looked skeptical. “If you two are so close, why’d you come here?”

 

“Don't get me wrong, Verity is great, but sometimes, humans can be so,” Loki paused, as if trying to find the right word. “weird.”

 

Noh-Varr hummed in agreement.

 

Teddy scrunched his face up. “What’d you mean by that?”

 

“I just mean that,” Loki threw her hands up in frustration. “You'd know what I was talking about if you hadn't grown up on Earth.”

 

“Enlighten me then.”

 

Noh-Varr spoke up first. “Babies.”

 

“What?”

 

“Babies. They're weak and squishy. And pregnancy is just,” Noh-Varr paused, a look of disgust crossing his face. “On Hala, we’re formed in incubation tubes, not carried in an organic host. And we are born fully developed and capable of combat, unlike _babies_.”

 

Teddy had never heard a word spoken with so much _scorn_ before. Noh-Varr must really not like babies. “Um-”

 

“And don't get me started on humans so-called ‘baby teeth’. It’s bad enough that humans shed their exposed bone particles. Why would they create a legend around

it and the supposed creature who collects and trades your so-called ‘baby teeth’ for monetary value.”

 

Teddy looked thoughtful. “Okay, yeah. That’s kinda weird. But-”

 

“And joints. On Hala, at least in my dimension, everyone is triple jointed. On Earth, maybe one percent of the population is double jointed. The rest only have one. One. Can you imagine being so unfortunate.”

 

“Okay, Noh. Maybe-”

 

This time, it was Loki that cut him off.

 

“And gender. If I change from a god to a goddess on Asgard, nobody bats an eye. If I do it on Earth, everyone stares at me like I just killed a man.”

 

“Well, considering that it's you, that is a possibility.”

 

“Ha, ha. Very funny Teddy.”

 

Teddy’s smile was fake, his words overly sweet. “Thanks, I try.”

 

“I’m serious though. Human concepts of gender are weird.”

 

Noh-Varr nodded. “Yeah. I will never understand earthlings insistence to divide societal roles based on gender. On Hala, societal roles are decided by skill, not something as inconsequential as gender.”

 

Teddy sighed. “Okay. We get it. Stop bring up Hala. It’s getting annoying.”

 

“Your constant butchering of my native language is annoying, but I put up with it with no complaints.” Noh-Varr pauses, the amended. “Well—minor complaints.”

 

Teddy scoffed. “Hey. I’m getting better.”

 

“Only marginally.”

 

“Yeah? Well, it’s only been, what? A few weeks? Maybe a month? I need time okay. I’m not like you. I can’t learn a new language in less than a day.”

 

“You could if I still had my Plex.”

 

“Your what?”

 

“My Plex—an artificial intelligence design to aid the crew of my ship in our interdimensional travels. It was destroyed when I was captured by S.H.I.E.L.D.”.

 

“Oh yeah. I forgot about that time we met you in the Cube.” Teddy looked thoughtful. “Say, why were you held there if the first place?”

 

“I burned ‘FUCK YOU’ into a New York City block.”

 

“Oh… that’s… wow. I don’t remember that happening.”

 

“Maybe S.H.I.E.L.D. covered it up. It wouldn’t have been that hard, considering that there were no casualties.”

 

Loki laughed. “Impressive. The Avengers can’t even leave their stupid tower with causing someone to die.”

 

Teddy looked offended. “That’s not…” His shoulders slumped. “Okay, it’s kinda true.”

 

“Speaking of the Avengers, don’t you find it weird that humans accept pretty much every kind of super-humans except mutants?”

 

“What does that have to do with the Avengers?”

 

“Don’t play dumb, Teddy. You know exactly what it has to do with the Avengers, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

 

“The Avengers aren’t perfect, but most of them are trying. And plenty of mutants have been Avengers. At one point, even Eli, Cassie, Katie, Tommy, Billy, and I were Avengers.”

 

Loki shrugged. “So? Not that it matters. It doesn’t change the way they treat mutants.”

 

Teddy was quiet for a moment. “No. It doesn’t.”

 

Non-Varr attempted to break the awkward silence that had fallen over the room. “So, why do most humans treat mutants differently than other superhumans? It makes no sense.”

 

“I have no idea. I guess for the same reason people are racist, sexist, and homophobic; they’re awful and enjoy hating people for no good reason.”

 

“That’s sad.”

 

“Yeah, it is. But there's no you dwelling on it. It won’t change anything.” Teddy forced a smile. “And, I’m sure you both aren’t done complaining about humans.”

 

“We’re not complaining—at least, I’m not complaining. We’re just pointing out how weird humans are.”

 

Loki chimed in. “Like how humans find animals that can kill them cute.”

 

Teddy’s smile was real this time. “Loki, do you really want to bring people finding animals cute into the conversation? With your history?”

 

Loki rolled her eyes. “Okay then, human dating customs are weird.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Movies, dinner, cuddling on the couch, it’s all so boring. Dating in Asgard is so much more… adventurous.” Loki smiled, wistfully. “Traveling between realms, fighting magical creatures, stealing dwarven crafts-“

 

“On Hala, we don’t really date. We just coexist together after we find a formidable partner.” Noh-Varr interjected.

 

“Well, I think human dates are nice.”

 

Noh-Varr scoffed. “You’d think anything was nice if it involved Billy.”

 

Teddy huffed. “That is so not—okay, it’s a little true. But I do like _human_ dates. I think going to the movies is fun, and enjoy going on a walk in the park, or playing mini golf, or talking over pizza. Just because it’s a little mundane doesn’t mean it’s not fun.”

 

Loki shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

 

“Don’t patronize me.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“I’m not, but okay.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

Noh-Varr could help but laugh at the childish display. Soon, Teddy and Loki had joined him. He felt like he could laugh for ages, and probably would have if he hadn’t felt his pocket vibrate.

 

Checking his phone, he found that he had a text from America, asking where he was. He’d been having so much fun, he’d forgotten that he was supposed to meet her after Teddy’s Kree lesson for pancakes and 'girl talk'.

 

‘ _I’ll be there in thirty. Had an unexpected visitor. Will tell you about it when I get there._ ’ He replied.

 

Putting away his phone, he turned to Teddy and Loki. “I’m leaving. So you need to go to.”

 

Loki laughed. “Okay pushy. Wanna do this again sometime? Maybe Friday?”

 

Teddy shook his head. “Can’t. Friday I’m visiting Xavin to learn more about my Skrull heritage.”

 

“Xavin?”

 

“They’re Skrull royalty we met under unfortunate circumstances during the Superhero Registration Act. But we weren’t really that close till Noh-Varr picked them up from Majesdania and brought them back to Earth.”

 

“Oh," Loki looked like she didn't know how to respond to that. "Um, how about Saturday then?”

 

“Can't. I'm busy with Billy. And I'm pretty sure that Noh's going dimension hopping with America and Xavin.”

 

“Sunday?”

 

“Sunday’s good for me. Noh?"

 

Noh-Varr thought about it. "I'm free."

 

Loki practically beamed. "Excellent."


End file.
